wanting "the d"

It’s come to my attention that the phrase “she wants the D” is apparently incredibly popular. I’ve managed to make fun of it lately by posting ridiculous images on my Facebook wall. That does not mean that I enjoy the phrase. I think it’s creepy and weird and here is why.

First of all, D could represent any numerous things. She wants the Doritos  she wants the dog, she wants the doorknob. But no, she apparently wants the dick.

Does she really want the dick? She could buy a dick, and that dick sits in a drawer and doesn’t talk back. It’s available for constant use, 24/7, so long as she also has a stock of batteries. She could have that dick and it would probably save her a lot of time, trouble, and future resentment or alcoholism.

But that’s not what this phrase is applied to — this phrase is applied to dicks that are actually attached to other human beings. Alright. She wants hisdick.

Does she want it cut up in a box? Will she be okay if someone just happens to mail her the dick one day? Did she really want that dick?

No, she probably did not. Why? Because that’s disgusting. Only serial killers mail each other penises. 

What did she really want, if she didn’t want the dick then? Maybe she wanted sex. Yes, “The D” is involved in sex, but there’s also a lot more involved. It takes two to tango, not one and 6 inches. Sex is all about the give and take, so if she wanted sex she needs more than just a “D.”

Or maybe she wants commitment. Apparently “She wants the D” is used to refer to attraction of some sort.

For me, wanting a “D” is ridiculous. If I want anything, be it sex or commitment, I want the whole fucking package. I want the man and I want his brain and his personality and everything that comes with it. 

tl;dr: I don’t like the phrase and want more than just a “D.”

Love?

Love is a very strange concept for me. I simply can't grasp it.

I understand it to a small degree, but then the rest of it simply escapes my greater knowledge. Like when my parents say that they love each other, but that they're getting a divorce and will probably never see each other again.

Maybe I simply can't grasp the concept because I've never experienced an emotion similar to love or lust or something. Or because no one has loved me (outside of familial relationships, I mean).  After all you can't truly understand an emotion until you experience it in one capacity or another.

The closest thing I have to love is me loving food. I really don't think that counts

Basically my stressors.

• I've been seeing a counselor for about a month or two by this point, though I don't think it's going to continue. I don't like it when people ask me "how this makes me feel." I also don't like it when people try to get me to explain things in words that I don't know how to explain, if only because when I do explain it it's never right. I don't like not having words. He also made me keep a journal and I really don't like keeping journals. He was as helpful as one of my blogs, and I have a thousand of those. So I think I'll just blog instead.

A lot of my relatives don't have that much time to live. I've never experienced death before.

• I saw my grandfather for what is probably the last time back in May. He lives pretty far away, and he's getting pretty old and also has a lot of health issues. It sort of scares me because he's my favorite grandparent and also a really big positive influence on my writing and on my life and just with everything. I've also never lost anyone to death before, and the thought unnerves me.
• My other grandfather had a heart attack in Georgia a few years ago. Despite the fact we were never close, I only met him about 10 times. I rarely talk to him, if ever. It's sort of frightening since he's a really big part of my heritage and ancestry. We get the Native American from him, and though I've never been a full blooded Native American, I will be losing/have lost a lot of history and my access to that information. Which is sad. 
• My third grandfather, after my mother's mother remarried, is having surgery on January 2, after having a stroke a few weeks ago. He also has a lot of health complications. Though he's newer to the family, he's a really sweet old man with a lot of good history and stories to tell. He treats us like his first family, and it's really nice the way he's changed my mother's mother. He's a good human.
• My dad's mother is also something concerning me. I don't ever call her after 5 because she's generally drunk. She's also clinically depressed after she was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. The cancer is gone, but the depression is present.

I don't have a single example of a fully functioning relationship in my entire life, and this scares me. 

• My dad's parents divorced. Neither of them remarried. His mother is now depressed, his father moved back in with his mother. His mother is an alcoholic, his father was an alcoholic. Both are still living, occasionally talk to each other, didn't date afterwards, and will probably not have anyone to be with them when they start to reach the end of their lives. 
• My mom's parents. Oh boy. Here we go. Her dad was married, got arrested, was divorced, remarried my mom's mom, who cheated on him with the next door neighbor. When she cheated on him with the neighbor she was held at gun point and there was a big hostage situation with the police and crazy stuff went down that I'm not completely aware of. My mom's parents divorced, both of them remarried. She has a half sister somewhere that her father just learned about. My step-grandma is schizophrenic and sometimes attempts to stab my grandfather with scissors. My mom's mother was an alcoholic and still has alcoholic tendencies.
• I didn't really have many friends in high school. I don't like it when people get close to me. It's a very terrifying experience sometimes because of some past bad experiences with people getting too close and then causing a lot of damage. I have some friends now, but I stil hold most of them at an arm's length.
• I've never been in a relationship nor do my prospects of being in one anytime soon look good. I basically have imagined dying alone. I'm 19. I've never been on a date, never kissed, never done anything.

Furthering that note, my parents are getting divorced.

• Literally no one knows about this. It started happening back in May, when they had a few issues that they were attempting to sort out. And then some shit happened in like July. I was away from home, and everyone was calling me to tell me that their marriage was over and then I moved back home. School started again, they were "working things out." My father now lives downstairs, they rarely speak to each other, both are going to be moving out of the house sometime in the coming year, living separately, and filing for paper divorce.
• Most of this is stuff that I learned over the phone, which was not how I wanted to learn of it, if learning of it was necessary.
• My mom wants to give up my dog for adoption and I really don't want her to. I even offered to take her, but my mom doesn't want me to because I live on the third floor without an elevator.
• My father might move to Pennsylvania. I'm closer to my father than I am to my mother...

And then there's everything else.

• Losing friends, getting tripped up on ass holes
• Working really ridiculous, weird, and sometimes very long hours.
• Often failing at work because I am apparently really incompetent at things.
• Not having much to take my stress out on.
• Not ever really eating
• or sleeping.
• basic worries over paying rent and stuff, etc.

And this is all new over the past like 6 months. Loving life.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

My "Family" has decided not to celebrate Christmas or any holiday this year. No tree, no lights, no presents, no dinner, no holiday cheer. My house feels like it's simply another month in another year -- any month but December. There's no snow, no happiness, and no family.

I can't say I'm shocked. We barely celebrated Thanksgiving or my birthday. We barely function as a unit anymore, and we will all be living in different places soon enough. I've more or less come to terms with what is going on, but I'm still not used to it.

If anything, I just wish there was somewhere I could be on Christmas. Everyone will be so happy, and I will be the outsider looking in with nowhere to be.

Here is a list of movies that I need to watch.

Skyfall
The Lord of the Rings movies
The last Harry Potter movie
Thor
Captain America
Forrest Gump
Pulp Fiction
300
The Departed (Because I can never remember if I have seen it all the way through)
Top Gun (I need to at least watch it 30 times before I'm 20).
The Dark Knight Rises
Toy Story 3
Milk
Saving Private Ryan
X-Men: First Class
Avatar (maybe. idk.)
Shutter Island
Casablanca
Breakfast at Tiffany's
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
The Matrix Movies...
Gone With The Wind
A Clockwork Orange
The Notebook
Memento

this is just the beginning....